MAN & WOMAN
Man: You remind me of the sea.
Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man: NO, because you make me sick.
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Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
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Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
Peter: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
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Peter: Mom, does God use our bathroom?
Mother: No, Peter. Why?
Peter: Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells, "Oh god, are you still there?"
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Customer: How much is that tie?
Salesman: Forty dollars.
Customer: Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.
Salesman: But how would a pair of shoes look around your neck.
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Jimmy: Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom: Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.
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Woman: How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me?
Man: By cheque, money order or cash.
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Sam: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortably seated.
Lily: So what do you do?
Sam: I close my eyes.
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Teacher: Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil: No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.
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Mom: Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son: Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?
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Man: I'm new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?
Little boy: I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.
Man: Why should I pay you so much?
Little boy: Because bank directors are always highly paid
Dr. Suess's lost tongue twisters.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is fool cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cats.
This is seconds cat. ……………. Read the third word of each line from the top
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ALL IN THE FAMILY
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand.
"We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun."I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.'They are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
