Son- Father what is the spelling of inspector?
Father- Why are you asking?
Son- Today my teacher asked me to write down my father's occupation but i did'nt know the spelling of inspector.
Father- So what did you write?
Son- I wrote WASHERMAN instead.
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Wife-Our servant has stolen t he silver spoon.
Husband-which one?
Wife-the one which we stole frome a hotel at kashmir.
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Teacher: "Why is honesty the best policy?"
Student: "Because there is hardly any competition".
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Wife to husband: "Could you not have hired a better servant?"
Husband: "Why? what happened?"
Wife: "He stole the spoon you stole from the hotel."
Contributed by Sajal
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A man was struggling to get a table out of his house. His neighbour saw this and asked him, "Why are you taking that table out of your house."
The man replies "I have to take it to the shop to buy a tablecloth of its size"
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A tourist climbed out of his car in Connaught Place, New Delhi.
He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I visit this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the Indian Parliament?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."
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A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."
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What kind of ant is good at adding up?
An accountant
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A man bought tickets from the ticket win down of a theatre. A few minutes later he returned and bought two more. When, after a short interval, he came back to buy two more tickets, the ticket-seller opened the little door in the glass and spoke up.
"Aren't you the same gentleman who just bought two tickets and two others just a little while ago?"
He asked, puzzled. "Yes", replied the man plaintively, 'But there's some fool at the gate who keeps tearing them up!'
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Once,Saddam Hussain went to God & asked him "God , when will I see Iraq defeat USA?"
God said, "I am sorry my son but, U will never see it in your life time."
Then Musharraf went and asked God "Lord when will I see capture of Kashmir by Pakistan ?"
God replied ,"I am sorry my son but, U will never see that in your life time "
He too walks away sadly.
Then Laloo Prasad Yadav went to lord and asked God , "God , when will I see Bihar a rich , prosperous and developed state ?"
God heard this and started crying. Laloo seeing this was astounded and asked God "Why are U crying?"
God replied,"I am sorry my son but, I will never see that in my life time
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What did a telephone say to another telephone?
"Let's get engaged"
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Our brain has two parts: left and the right
The left one has nothing right in it and the right one has nothing left in it
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A government servant went to a doctor.
"Doctor, I am suffering from exhaustion. Please advise me," he said.
After a careful examination the doctor suggested, "You need complete rest. Return to your office as soon as possible".
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An error in computer: Keyboard not attached;press F1 to continue.
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There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral."
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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
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Boss to his secretary: "I thought that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you had to see your dentist?"
Secretary: "That's right, sir"
Boss: "So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a young man?"
Secretary: "That was my dentist"
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Sita: "How old is your sister?"
Geeta: "Twenty five"
Sita: "But she says that she is twenty"
Geeta: "She is right in her own way, you see she learnt counting only at the age of five".
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What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It's time to go to sweep.
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How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet - it won't break for the first six.
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Hari: "Where do birds meet for coffee ?"
Pradeep: "In a nest-cafe!"
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Customer: "Waiter, I'd like to cancel my order for fresh fruit salad."
Waiter: "I am sorry, sir, but the cook has already opened the tin."
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An American who finds himself in Moscow wants to know the time. He sees a man approaching him carrying two heavy suitcases and asks the fellow if he knows the correct time.
"Certainly," says the Russian, setting down the two bags and looking at his wrist. "It is 11:43 and 17 seconds. The date is Feb. 13, the moon is nearing its full phase and the atmospheric pressure stands at 992 hectopascals and is rising."
The visitor is dumbfounded but manages to ask if the watch that provides all this information is Japanese. No, he is told, it is "our own, a product of Soviet Technology."
"Well, that is wonderful, you are to be congratulated."
"Yes," the Russian answers, straining to pick up the suitcases, "but these batteries are still a little heavy."
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The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church.
After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church. "Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthan's hand.
As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked. "Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!" "I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered. "I want you to have it," said Jonathan.
After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."
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A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells the man,"Give me 100 baby chickens."
The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"
"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"
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There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: If we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, maybe it'll work!"
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There were two people were robbing an apartment.
The first one said, "I hear the owner coming! Quick, jump out the window!"
The second one said, "Are you crazy? We're on the thirteenth floor!"
The first one said, "This is not the time to be superstitious!"
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Angry Judge in Court: Order, Order
Defendant: If you insist, I'll have a chicken burger.
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MOHAN AND SOHAN WERE CRICKET FANS.THEY BOTH DECIDED THAT WHOEVER GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST,WILL TELL THE OTHER IF THERE WAS CRICKET IN HEAVEN TOO. ONE NIGHT MOHAN PASSED AWAY.THE NEXT NIGHT,SOHAN HEARD A VOICE-
SOHAN:IS THAT YOU MOHAN?
MOHAN(IN SPIRIT):YES IT'S ME.
SOHAN:SO TELL ME,IS THERE CRICKET IN HEAVEN TOO?
MOHAN:I HAVE A GOOD NEWS AND A BAD NEWS.
SOHAN:TELL ME THE GOOD NEWS FIRST.
MOHAN:THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT,
YES,THERE IS CRICKET IN HEAVEN TOO. SOHAN:AND THE BAD ONE.
MOHAN:THE BAD NEWS IS THAT YOU ARE THE OPENING BOWLER OF THE MATCH TOMORROW NIGHT.
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Sachin:Boost is the secret of my energy. Ganguly:If its secret then why r u revealing to me?
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What do you call a student who appears for the SSC exam agsin?
ans- MATRICS REALODED
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William - My name is William .S. Bernstein.
Frank - What does the 's' stand for?
William - Nothing.My father accidently dropped a noodle on my birth certificate.
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Shopkeeper-This computer will reduce your work load by 50%.
Customer-GREAT!Give me two !
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Teacher-Why does the moon shine?
Student-Because it is bald.
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A man bought a ticket at the ticket window,again after sometime ,he bought a ticket ,and again,and again.
the clerk asked him why he was doing so
he replied "whenever I try to go inside this man tears my ticket into half
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Minister: Hi son! How are your studies going?
Son: Fine dad, but I have a history paper tomorrow and I haven't studied a thing
Ministe: Okay, I shall have a bandh declared right away.
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ONCE TWO SIKHS WENT TO RUSSIA.IN ORDER TO TEST ONE SIKHS BRAIN , ONE RUSSIAN ASKED HIM HOW MANY SLICES OF BREAD HE COULD EAT IN AN EMPTY STOMACH .HE SAID"FIFTEEN".
THE RUSSIAN SAID THAT WITH THE FIRST PIECE OF BREAD THAT HE ATE HIS STOMACH WAS NO LONGER EMPTY.
THE SIKH APPRECIATED THE JOKE AND HE WENT BACK TO HIS FRIEND AND POSED THE SAME QUESTION TO HIM. HE REPLIED,"SIXTEEN" .
THE OTHER SIKH SAID"OH! IF YOU HAD SAID 'FIFTEEN ', I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU A GOOD JOKE.
HA ! HA!
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Chacha Chaudhary to a waiter:I don't know why people call you waiter?It's me who is waiting
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Once upon time there was a construction going on .Suddenly one labourer fell down and hurt very badly. The father of a nearby church came to the hospital and said that" God was with you ".
Just after that the labourer shouted .Father ran quickly to the labourer and asked him, "Why have you shouted? ,He said "Just now you said that God was with me ,I was also thinking that who pushed me. Now I know that God had pushed me ".
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A man gave an ad in a newspaper saying"Wife Wanted"
He got hundreds of letters the next day.They all said, "You can take mine"
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Husband to Wife:Bring me a cup of tea
Wife:With pleasure
Husband:No,with milk and sugar.
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These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"
The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me? What's excuse me?
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what did one eye say to the other eye ?
There is something between us that smells.
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Sherlock Holmes was sleeping in a tent in a forest alongwith his assistant Watson when he woke up and saw something right over his head. so,he shrugged Watson and asked him whether he noticed anything.
Watson : "I see a lot of stars up there and galaxies and ........blah blah!"
Holmes:"..and nothing else!"
Watson:"Naa!" Holmes:"You moron!our tent is missing"
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Saddam's son goes shopping but everything he bought was packed in boxes.
Saddam asked:"Why in boxes?"
His son replied: "There is no more Bag-dad"
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Once two sardars were playing chess. Two more of them came and asked the previous ones,"Could we play doubles,please."
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Hijacker-We have hijacked this plane now our destination is Paris.
Pilot-But this flight is not going to Paris.
Hijacker-Maybe we hijacked a wrong plane.
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After death,Laloo Yadav,L.K.Advani& Vajpeyi ji went to hell.After some years of hardwork at hell,they remembered their families.They requested Yamraj to let them make a call.
The nearest P.C.O. booth was 10 miles away,so after walking for 3 days,they reached it.
First Mr.Vajpeyi made a call for 2 minutes.Bill--Rs.1000.
Next Mr.Advani made a call for 10 minutes.Bill--Rs.5000.
Then Laloo ji went in and made a call to Bihar for 2 hours. Bill--Rs.20.
The other two went and reported this to Yamraj,to which he replied,"What can I do if there is a local connection between Hell & Bihar?!"
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once teacher asked her students that "one child is sitting on the table and two children are sitting under the table, so how many children are there"?
one child stood up and said "ma'am two children are there".
After hearing this answer second student stood and said "M'am,heis wrong ,the correct answer is 1/2".
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Mother:Faraz, What is the matter,son?Why do you cry?
Faraz:Mother.I got my foot hurt while playing football in the school.
Mother:But what makes you cry now?
Faraz:There was no time to cry in the school.
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There was a company named Mr.Cohan,Mr.Cohan,Mr.Cohan and Mr.Cohan Ltd.One day a phone call came at the office.
"I want to speak to Mr.Cohan,its urgent".
So,Mr.Cohan says"Sorry he's not here".
Caller:"Well then call Mr.Cohan,its an emergency".
Mr.Cohan:"Sorry he too is not here".
Caller:"Well then atleast call Mr.Cohan".
Mr.Cohan:"I'm Sorry he too is not available"
Caller:(desperately)"Oh God!Please call Mr.Cohan atleast,its a matter of life and death".
Mr.Cohan:"Mr.Cohan speaking"!!!
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What did baby corn say to mom corn?
Mom! where is popcorn?
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What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones!!
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How Do You Keep A Sardarji Busy?
Keep Him In A Circular Room And ask Him To Find Corners.
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There were three people flying in a plane,American,African & Indian.
American said,"My country is full of watches".He threw his watch.
African said,"My country is full of gold".He threw his gold chains.
Then Indian said,"My country is full o Americans & Africans".He threw those two people out of the plane.
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JUDGE:Order!Order!Order!
PERSON:i want idly vada sambar
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BOSS-KAISE HO? GURAKHA-"MOSHE ME HU SHAB."
BOSS-jute me kab ja raha hai?
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once there were husband and wife.Husband's name name was what and wife's name was brain.
Brain was taking bath in bathroom.
One day in there house some guests camed and asked what is your name.
He said What.
Again they asked what is your name.
He said What.
After some time they asked where is your brain gone.
He said my brain is taking bath in bathroom
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Son-Dad,how did you go to Egypt.
Dad-But I didn't.
Son-Then where did you get mummy from.
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(A certain Japanese was riding in a taxi in India. Just then a Lancer overtook them.)
Japanese-Look!Japanese car, very fast.
(Then a Hero Honda overtook them)
Japanese-Look!Japanese bike, very fast.
(Just then they reached their destination) Japanese-What? Hundred Rupees!
Taxi Driver-Japanese meter very fast on Indian roads.
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What frustrates sardarji when his wife gives birth to twins ?
He wonders who is the father of second son..!
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Once three friends were discussing the greatness of their father.
First boy:My dad enters to bathe in the caspian sea and comes out from arabian sea.
Second boy:My dad enters to bathe in the atlantic ocean and comes out from pacific ocean.
Third boy:My dad enters from our buildings water tank and comes out from our house tap
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Three agents of an Insurance company were discussing there companies performance.
First agent:Our client died on monday,we came to know on tuesday and released his insurance on wednesday.
Second agent:Our client died on monday we came to know on the same day and we released his insurance on tuesday.
Third agent:Our office is on the 20th floor of WTC ,our client was painting the building on the 84th floor he fell from there and we gave his insurance cheque while he passed our floor.
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once in a plane 4 people are travelling they are president of america a sardar aboy of 12 & old man only 3 parachutes on board. plane on fire president says that america is impossible without him so he goes with 1 parachute the sardar says i am the most inteligent man in the world so how can i die so he also goes down the old man says to the boy u go with the remaninig parachute the boy says there are 2 parachutes as the sardar took my school bag
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NOTE: This is a very cool joke. There were 3 people in an aeroplane which had crashed and they were on a deserted island. One man was a Russian, the other was an American and the third was a sardar(sikh). They found a lamp and they rubbed it. Out came a gin(jinni). The Gini said that I give each of you a wish that I shall fulfill after which I shall not help you. So they said:
American: Send me back home safely.
So, the gin flicked his finger and he (American) vanished.
Russian: Send me back home safely.
So, the gin flicked his finger and he (Russian) vanished.
Sardar: I am getting bored get me my friends back. So the gin flicked his finger and they both came back.
NOW WHAT WAS LEFT TO DO.
THEY WERE STUCK ON THE ISLAND FOREVER.
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What's worse than finding a maggot in the apple you're eating ?
Finding half a maggot !!
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Two deaf men,Ram & Shyam met each other on the road.
Ram:Shyam are you going to the market?
Shyam:No,just going to the market.
Ram:Oh! I thought you are going to the market.
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Once an american teacher was teaching in a class.She announced that she was an American and asked who else in the class were Americans.Not knowing what it meant but wanting to be like the teacher everyone raised their hands except one girl called Gita.
The teacher asked" If you are not an American ,who are you?
The little girl answered "I am a proud indian."
The teacher got a bit angry and asked "Why are you an indian"
The girl answered "My mother and father are both indians so I am also an indian"
The teacher ,now very angry, told"If your mother and father both are idiots , what would you be?"
The girl , with a smile replied "I would be an american."
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Jimmy:Mom,remember how you made me promise never to to bring home a bad report card.
Mom:Yes,Jimmy I remember very well!
Jimmy:Well'that's the reason I left it at school!!
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Son-Mom,why do we go to bed?
Mother-So simple,because bed cannot come to us
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Girlfriend : Are you sure you love me and no one else ?
Boyfriend : Dead sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday
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ONCE A MAN WAS KILLING BEES, SO, HIS WIFE ASKS HIM HOW MANY BEES HAVE YOU KILLED.
HUSBAND:5,3 MALE and 2 FEMALE.
WIFE:HOW DO YOU KNOW THE GENDER.
HUSBAND:3 WERE SITTING ON BEER BOTTLES and 2 ON THE TELEPHONE.
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Once a Brahmin hired a boatman for crossing Ganga river.On the way he asked the boatman that have you read Ramayan.
The boatman says "no".He says then 25% of your life has been wasted.
In the same way he asked the boatman that have u read Mahabharta.He again says "no".The brahmin once again says that ur 50% of your life has been wasted.
He again shows a book & asks have u read this one.He again replies "no".
The brahmin says your 75% of life has been wasted.
Then the boat man asks the brahmin do u know swimming?The brahmin says "no".The boatman tells ur whole life has been wasted as a hole has been found in the boat.
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A sardarji was once flying in a flight.For breakfast, an airhostess came over & asked him,"Sir,would you like to have veg or non-veg?".
Poor sardarji thought he would have to pay separately for the meals.So he asked her to just warm up the papanthas he'd brought from home.The question was asked during lunch too & sardarji answered it the way he'd done earlier.
When the same was about to follow for dinner,his fellow passenger told him,"Brother,if you're fearing the cost for food,then let me tell you that that is included in the price for the flight itself".
Then sardarji said to the airhostess,"I have non-veg & make sure you begin from the breakfast!"
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once there were three men they went to america so they were standing in one carner so one police man came there and asked them why you people are standing here so they said we have come on a holiday so he asked the first man which is your favoraite flower so he said lotus so the police man said oh i use that flower as my toilet paper then he went to second man and asked him the same question so he said lily and the reply was same from the police man then he went to the third man who was a sardar he asked the same question so the sardar said mmmmm cactus now c'mon say i use it as my toilet paper.
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Son to mother: Mom i am feeling hungry.
Mom: But the rice is half cooked.
Son: So what give me the part of the rice which is cooked.
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once a tourist from london came to india to see historical places.he hiered a guide & asked him to take him to taj mahal,then he asked the guide that how much time did it took to be made.He said 5 yrs. the tourist said that in our country it would have been completed in just 2 yrs.then they went to qutub minaar and asked how much time did it took to be made ,then the guide answered that it was made last night only.
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In a horse race
Horse:"I will win this race for my master."
Master:"come on!my horse come on.!!!"
HORSE COMES TO HIS MASTER.
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One man goes to a hotel to eat. After eating he goes to wash his hands. When he goes there he starts to clean the sink ,why?
Ans:Because he reads the board "wash basin"
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You should be sure the person is Sardar when he: * puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind. * gets stabbed in a shoot-out. * sends a fax with a postage stamp on it. * tries to drown a fish in waters. * thinks socialism means partying. * trips over a cordless phone. * takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept. * studies for a blood test and fails. * sells the car for gas money. * misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead. * drives to the airport and sees a sign that said,"Airport left", he turns around and goes home. * gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.
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A person asks Bin Laden, "How many letters are there in the english alphabet"
Bin Laden:'23' beacause the WTC are knocked down
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QUESTION:What is a Bee's favorite channel?
ANSWER :B.B.C.
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Que.What did one ghost say to the other?
Ans.Do You Belive in humans
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A and B is there. A is the son of B... but B is not the father of A why?
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lady: is this my train? station master: no it belongs to the railway company. lady:don't try to be funny. i mean can i take this train to kuala lumpur. station master: No madam, i'm afraid it's too heavy.
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