ULTIMATE SURDS
Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office, why?
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Hubby: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Girl: When we get married want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Son: Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mum: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
What about the surd wife who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.
A sardar living on the 10th floor wanted to teach the sardar living on the first floor a lesson. So he invited the sardar from the 1st to his apartment for a meal, to which the sardar willingly agreed. When the first floor sardar reached the 10th floor, he found a sign outside the door of the 10th floor sardar's apt, which read 'Mein yahan nahin hoon'. "He's being smart, eh?" thought the first floor sardar. So he took his pen out and wrote below the sign " Mein yahan nahin ayah tha" !!!!
Santa Singh and Banta singh got fed up with Indian Government and decided to blow up the Parliament. They put the plastic explosives in the back seat of their two-door maruti and were off to their mission. Santa singh "Bantaiaaya! What if bomb went off right now?"
Banta singh "Don't worry! I got a spare bomb in Trunk. "
THIS IS ULTIMATE
Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their parent's achievements to each other.
Santa singh: Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?
Banta singh: Yes, I have Santa singh: Well, my father dug it.
Banta singh: That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead Sea?
Santa singh: Yes, I have. Banta singh: Well, my father killed it.
WHY
Q: Why did the Sardar stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
A Sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings, so he picks it up and says, " Hello, how did you know I was here?"
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How many sardars does it take to pull off a kidnapping?
Six. One to kidnap the victim and five to write the ransom note.
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Why are sardar secret agents the best in the world?
Because even under torture they can't remember what they have been assigned to.
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Banta Singh was painting his living room one hot day.
"Why", his friend Santa Singh asked him, "are you wearing two jackets?"
"Because," said Banta Singh, "The directions on the can said to put on two coats."
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A sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway.
On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. Then the foreman asked the sardar why he kept painting less each day,
He replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."
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Why does a Sardar keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
They're there for those who don't drink.
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Why do sardars have see-through lunch box lids?
So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
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A sardar was tired of being sardar and constantly being the subject of all those dumb sardar jokes. He finally cut his hair.
Elated he decided to take a drive through the country to celebrate his new life.
Going past a field of sheep (he loved sheep) he stopped and asked the farmer "If I can guess how many sheep in your flock, can I have one?"
The farmer laughed and said "Sure, Sir" he gazed out for a few seconds and said
"There's 1,973 sheep," The farmer said with Amazement "You're right! Go and pick one out".
On his way back to his car he was stopped by the farmer yelling
"Hey Sir! If I can guess your real identity can I have my dog back?"
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Sardarji is buying a TV. "Do you have color TVs?" "Sure." "Give me a green one, please."
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Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?" " Just a sec," says the rep. "Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up.
EMPLOYMENT..
Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column Salary Expected: He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote: Yes
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CROCODILE BOOTS..
Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made; they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefoot!"
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A sardar goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a thermos." The sardar the asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things ho and it keeps cold things cold." The sardar says, "I'll take it!" The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos. His sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object you have?" He said, "It's a thermos." The boss then says, "What does it do?" He replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?" The sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."
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A Sardar took an answering machine home and fixed it home somewhere in Rajasthan, but two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai
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Do u know what Surdarji will do after taking Xerox? He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes!
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Do u know what surdarji will do if he wants a white paper? (He already has one and he wants one more..) He takes a Xerox of the white paper!
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Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They were planning for free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh..we'll get Punjab from India but how would we develop it?" That was a difficult question indeed. Suddenly Banta Singh replied, "No problem! We'll attack USA, it would take us over and then we would be a state of USA and we'll automatically get developed." All the surds became happy on this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single word. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy.
The surd replied, "OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT...WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TAKE OVE USA ?????"
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Sardar went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain "I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to SARDARs," he replied. He hurried home removed his turban and changed hair style, then came back and again told the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied. "Dam, he recognized me," he thought. He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, the waited a few days before he again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied. Frustrated, he exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a Sardar?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.
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Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie? Because below 18 was not allowed
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How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence? Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
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What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back
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What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you? Run like crazy..He's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
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How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday? Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
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What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? Trying to hold on to a thought.
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Why do Sardars work seven days a week? So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
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Why can't Sardars make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe.
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How did the Sardar try to kill the bird. He threw it off a cliff.
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What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
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What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes? The back of his head.
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What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer? Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
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What do you call a sardar who has only one drink? Just-one Singh.
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Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
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Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
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How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it.
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Why can't Sardar dial 911? They can not find the eleven on the phone
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How do you get Sardar on the roof? Tell him the drinks are on the house.
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"Oh, look at the dead bird." Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?
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What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but you never see them.
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Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.
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TO LOOSE WEIGHT..
The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem? asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 kms from home."
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TRAIN TO LUDHIANA..
Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station. Hari Singh asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?" "No," answers the Railway man. "Can I?" asks Gani Singh.
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This sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him "kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai" Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata "
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Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun"
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Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his wife " What's the matter?" Replied he "The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else"
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Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?" The sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
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Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate "Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese." "How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sikh?" " Aah, Sardarji read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese."
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Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Sardarji were sent to the outer space . The ground control issues commands "Rubi!" "Woof!" ( its the barking sound ) "Press the red button." "Woof! Woof!" "Moti!" "Woof!" "Press the white button." "Woof! Woof!" "Sardarji!" "Woof." "Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"
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Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Sardarji says "Yes". "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool.This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."
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DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE
Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double-decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush is over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Bannta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, "Are Banta Singh ! What the heck's goin' on? Why are you so scared ? was enjoying my ride down there ? Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've a DRIVER"
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Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, " I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." " Oh Dear! " the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But ..what happened to your other ear?" "The scoundrel called back.